make love

you make me want to set fire to the lab working on a vaccine for yellow fever

…and if I ever discover such a place is doing such a thing…..I will

I choose my words carefully, and stay kind of guarded with you, but it has to be obvious….when we’re naked, I totally make love to you

I don’t just fuck you and send you on your way


October 25

Its weird how technology can connect people together. I get an email from this guy. one picture we connect based on food. competitive and yet very handsome. my heart flutters looking at his picture. it flutters even more when he comes to see me at the nail salon. mani and pedi. I set up a massage appointment on Monday….then he makes love to me. mad passionate love. I have seen him four times since then. I hoped that the feeling of lust was what it was. I tried so hard to push him in the back of my mind because he’s leaving. That’s not the case. I long for his touch. I want to be with him but they say if you love someone let them go. if they were meant for you they will come back if they don’t then it wasn’t meant to be. Why do i find myself getting attached and wanting it to work out. I don’t ask for much but i know we would be good together. I am the one asking questions about relationships.

no babies

Screen Shot 2015-09-19 at 12.28.57 AM

response comes after he wants a break and i cry my eyes out

“Someone to explore with. Build with. Things are going to be so much better. It won’t be easy. But eventually all will pan out. I’m def. Not in a hurry to do anything. But I am dating you. I want to pursue you. I want you in my life. It has been real nice. I want more. The sex. Well. All that catagory is just a major plus. I mean I’m all about it cause I’ve been shit on for over a decade. I mean your a pretty well rounded hot asian. I’m interested in your goals and achievements. I’m honestly proud to be by your side. Your dedicated and loyal. I see. So ya. No not just about the sex…….You have children. That’s a whole nother story. And your a great one. And will only continue to be Kids are important.They may be getting older….But they are your kids. I promise to not lead a negative life not only for myself and others but for them also. I mean. I had very few role models growing up. So I know what it’s like. If and when ever I’d want them to be comfortable with me. Look up to me,…. just as I try to do with my niece and nephews.”-8/15

The hardest thing is trying to open up and let him in…..


when it comes to myself and school I got it. I meet this guy….he’s goal oriented and has a drive. He has plans. He’s a good looking guy. Very nice and attentive. we spend time together. he is touching me and talking to me. questioning about my previous relationship and how it was so different. This relationship is so different. why do i question if its right for me? why do i worry about it. am i worried that i rushed into a relationship?

my ginger

“And I’ve def been more at ease with knowing you. Even before we met up at lillys. But at lillys you came straight to me for a hug and hello. I loved that you greeted me so welcome. It naturally felt right to just scoop you in my arms. Your company. And patience. And mindset. …. helps remind me why I should be so happy!! That there are good people out there,… who do care. Makes a difference. A huge difference to me that I could make you laugh and smile too. I like that. Need that. Haha I am needy!!” 8/15


kik…….. it started off with a suit…then a surfer pic with a dog….i was honest about my career and schooling…he asked a porn question and talks about being pegged and having a nice ass. invites me over…..i come over…he dresses up for me. the feeling and excitement turns me on. he’s on fours I’m finger fucking him and jerking him off. he talks dirty to me. i love it!! score. he gets ready and heads to work. he’s cute.

Day 6

Picked him up from work today…..

“your more than welcome to come in

yeah i have a few hours if you don’t mind”

We talk about memories. And being open. I talk about her because i went with her to the tattoo shop. we are watching game of thrones. its the first day i have been with him and nothing sexual happens. he falls asleep on the couch next to me. i wait an hour and give him a kiss on the forehead. he wakes and i tell him I’m leaving. he gives me a hug and a kiss on the lips. I enjoy talking to him. his humor…the way he talks about his family and the nephew. so much life and energy about him.

the other lover comes down tomorrow. Im going to back off.

btw he refers me as dear. i like it

Day 5

“I dont know if I told you before, but you’re more than welcome to come over whenever you’d like…..Also I like people that just pop up. Its a pleasant surprise and I like surprises.” -j 8/15

so I popped up. He opens the door and says I didnt know you were coming by today. So I say surprise. It was good to hang out and watch movies. The closeness and knowing he is receptive to me is great. I like the cuddling and caressing. He’s learned that im ticklish. Its cute. I lightly scratch his leg and I feel that he is getting hard. Its either him tickling me or me scratching him either way its hot. I help him fold his laundry and make his bed. We hang out on the couch and make out…he touches me in places that make me wince. I move with his every touch. We end up in the bedroom a little later where we continue to make out and kiss. He discovers that he likes teasing me. I love it. I get so wet. He does down on me…..he knows that I want him inside of me. He tells me my hand does the jerking off motion He puts the tip in and then rams it. It feels so good. I get so so wet. We kiss while we fuck. He scratches the side of my leg. Buries his face in my neck and nibbles. I find my body moving against his. He stops sometimes takes it out so he doesnt come. He puts in me again. I find my body moving his cock hard in there. I move and he moans…i move more and he breathes heavier. He comes and tells me that was amazing. He’s come. Afterwards he rests his head on my chest….i rub his head. Its something that is comforting that someone could make me feel that way and cuddle.

He said he likes cuddling with me. The whole pretzel interwine. I like cuddling with him. Playing with his hair and looking at his face. He talks about music and I look at him. He talks about compartimentalizing feelings from sex. He says that is why friendship and sex works. He talks about her…..she is coming down and he mentions how sex isnt that great but he does it. Because it makes her feel wanted. He might have give up the idea of having kids. I was shocked to hear the compartments. I wonder if its even worth it. Its not getting everything he wants because he’s keeping it separate. I dont think he realizes that he can have all in one. Its the trashy white girls he attracts though. He tells me she knows of his intentions and he makes it clear with her. He puts in as much as she does and he honestly tries he’s complicated. I tell him perhaps its the women he’s attracting. You know what though….its the rapport and relationship and friendship he has with her. She’s really the only friend that stuck around. He says he’s an open book but reserved because of the things hes heard from ex girlfriends. I stare at him. He asks what I was thinking and wanted to know more. I say nothing. I think there is more to him. I am excited to see more of it.


“I want to clarify something, though, because i feel it should be while we’re on the topic.

I currently have another lover. The friend i told you about. She’s coming to visit this weekend. She doesn’t know about you yet because i haven’t figured out how to broach the subject with her. She’s rather possessive but we’re not exclusive. I’m currently unwilling to be monogamous and don’t expect you to be.” j 8/15

on the topic of wanting to continue seeing this person….

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